Hey hey hey this is Drago Felagund here to talk with you. You know, when you stay around a bunch of engineers for a long period of time, you, inadvertently, become obsessed with Apple. Not the fucking fruit, you moron. The company, Apple. That Steve Jobs thing. That half eaten fruit left over by Eve(which was eventually eaten by Adam. Side issue). That machine that churns out iPhones and Macbooks like it poops the technology. Even though it’s fucking amazing technology. According to some people. Just yesterday(or it depends when you’re reading this. For me, right now, it was yesterday), they had a keynote event(does anyone know why the fuck they’re called that?) where it released yet another iPhone, an iPad, and watch straps. Brilliant. Millions of people waiting for a gay guy to discuss watch straps!(nothing wrong with being gay, bros. I support gayness all the way. Love you, Cook bro). So I was just thinking, what has happened to the world? Does it need a new God, or is Apple playing the God role perfectly? I had the guts to ask such controversial questions and I have, after years of hard work, toil, sweat, fights, arguments, punches to the face and various other painful places, push ups, energy drinks, chips, and more, I have come upon the ultimate list. The List Of Defying Gods. The List of Apple and Co. The List of Why-not-to-buy-an-iPhone. Yes. I have reasons. Here, I present them to you. Reader discretion advised.
- Your Bank account : – If you’re a normal guy with brains, or even a crazy or abnormal guy with brains, you won’t spend fucking jack tonnes of money on weird half eaten Apples.
- You have self dignity and self respect : – If you want to sell your soul in exchange for a 5 inch screen, buy an iPhone.
- You’re not an asshole : – Are you?
- You don’t want fake love from people : – You know what I’m talking about. “Hey Mark, can I use your phone?” “Yeah, but be fucking careful, it’s the latest iPhone!” (Mark’s friend makes a mental note ‘Mark is rich. Mark has money. I can use it. Lets fuck him up’)”Oh my god, Mark! That is SOOOO sexy! An iPhone! Show me! Shit it looks so sleek and slim and amazing! Can I smell it? Touch it?”
- Broo, play store bruuuhhhh : – You’ll be missing out on the play store. Come on. Honestly, you don’t want to do that.
- You wanna get girls because of your looks and personality : – Apple can’t get you girls. Scientific fact. IGN rated the research 100%. Obama told me.
- You’re not a pretentious douchebag : – Really? This list is invalid cause I have an iPhone. That’s the best. End of discuss… “Shut the fuck up!”
- You don’t want to base everything good in your world around a small piece of shit.
Listen to me. This is the only hope this world has. Understand this list properly. And you shall finally reach the heights of common sense and be a legend to be remembered for long. You will be the MVP. You will be amazing.
Kidding, you still are.
Go buy fucking amazing stuff with your money. Or put it in a bank for your kids or shit. Go get a brain.
(The writer would like to remind that this site and it’s posts are not for easily butthurt people and easily offended people. This is a joke. Understand jokes. I respect your decisions. Go buy an iPhone or whatever. Just chill, Jobs.)